She Ain’t Been Well
Life changes. Things you take for granted are bound to come crashing down. This is a particularly painful song to me. A time remembered fondly, which ended in pain, heartbreak and isolation, gets another pass through heart and mind by whatever chance event life throws at you - because, of course, if there’s any memory you’d rather forget, life will make sure to remind you of it. Well, she’s a different person and life has been as unkind to her as it has to me, but at least she’s here. And if not love her, at least I can still see her.
I had a dream once. I was running down a street I knew very well at the time, and I had to call her. My phone fell down on the floor, and I bent down to pick it up. As I rose again, I saw this enigmatic woman, not who I needed to talk to. She blew a cloud of glittery pink smoke at me, and as it dissipated I was in a room full of women. I knew they were all my sisters. They told me it was time to grow up, and be like them: one of the heartbroken.
Weeks later, the dream came back. It didn’t look at all similar, but its character was unmistakable. A bright golden hour in an ancient forest. The most magnificent tree, big enough to live inside of, sat at the very centre. The queue was empty, I had the key. The door was not heavy. She was in there, sitting down behind glass. She talked to me like I was another customer in line, but love was shining through in her eyes, smile and voice. She offered me gifts, and told me it was going to be alright. She wasn’t well, neither was I. But she told me, once more, it would be alright. The following year or so was one of my lowest points, mentally. We finally met again in the real world, years later, and she talked to me like I was an old friend. She hadn’t been well, at all. In fact, life had been rather unkind. But she was there. For me, at least, she was alive, and that was all that mattered.
This was the first vocal I laid down for the album. I do believe connecting to a more emotionally vulnerable sound is easier in the beginning, as opposed to the presence of spirit required of higher energy songs. This is another rather old song in composition, its origins going as far back as 2017 or so. It started life as a 9-minute monstrosity, with many additional verses that didn’t quite make the final cut, because I believed them too personal, too sad, or too wicked to see the light of the day. Still, whenever I sing this song (an uncommon occurrence) I like to sneak in one of these “lost verses” here and there.
I don’t know when it is far
But that’s the way we do things
The way we lost ourselves away
I do remember who you are
But that’s the only thing I’ll keep
‘Cause I know it’s not the same
Digging back through memories
There’s no way to recall the whole
We spent so much in vain
And through the pain of destiny
Our ways were broken there apart
Now we see us again
I didn’t dare to say her name
‘Cause I know she did notice my change
And though I know she ain’t been well
She is back and that’s all that matters now
For my heart, she is living
Crossing back reality
I think about the things we did
Was it that much?
Were those lies?
I realise that anyhow
We come back as too distinct
Two people that will reunite
I didn’t dare to say her name
She said she didn’t stay the same
And though I know she ain’t been well
She is back, and that’s all that matters now
For my heart, she is living
The vile things that have happened now
Had got their start some time ago
To think that maybe I desired
This pain to even start to flow
Just like poison
I didn’t dare to tell her things
‘Cause I know the news I’m gonna bring
We changed perspectives and philosophy
Found out we were the wrong side to be beginning in
I didn’t dare to say a word
‘Cause I know, I know I won’t be heard
I didn’t dare to say her name
I wonder if she thinks the same…
I didn’t dare to speak my mind
I’d bring back so much left behind
I didn't dare to look her in the eyes
Oh, our pain is the compromise
I didn’t dare to say her name
‘Cause I know we will never be the same
And though I know she ain’t been well
She is back, and that’s all that matters now
For my heart, she is living
